This day is one of many mixed emotions. Sitting here I contemplate the capacity and complexity of the human mind. I awoke today in much aggravation over a lack of sleep due to an inflamed sciatic nerve and my dear child who slept restlessly beside me from midnight until 7am. Once I was out of bed I realized today’s date. May 1st, 2007, the birthday of my husband’s late grandmother, aka Granny Mae. She passed away January 18th of this year. She raised my husband as the only mother figure in his life from the time he was 6mo old. She and I had grown particularly close over her last 6 months. She and my daughter, Trinity had grown quite close as well. Here I sit in her home (where my family lives), surrounded by all of her things and continuing out part of her legacy while pregnant with her second great-granddaughter. I am sad. Maybe it’s the memory of someone very dear to me that lingers in this house. Maybe it’s my anger and frustration over her death and how much I miss her. Maybe it’s my sadness for my dear daughter that she will only be a sweet memory to her, if that, because she was so young when she died. Maybe it’s regret I bear for all my future children, including the one I carry in my womb now that they will never ever even hear her laugh, see her smile or giggle with her over breakfast. Happy Birthday Granny Mae. Today we will light the Candle of Honor for you. We will remember all of the laughs and smile that we shared, we will sing Happy Birthday and celebrate your life.
Today oddly enough marks the last day of my first two classes in college. I passed Academic Strategies with an A (99.30%) and Intro to Undergrad Online Learning with an A (99.50%). I feel really good about going back to school. The experience so far has been great. My confidence has grown quite a bit just over the past 10 weeks that I have been in school. I start my next two classes May 6th (Communicating in the 21st Century and Software Applications). I am really looking forward to it. I feel proud and happy, I feel great. I know that Granny would be proud of me.
It’s just complex to me that our minds our capable of feeling emotions at two complete different ends of the spectrum. I almost feel guilty for being happy, and then I feel silly for feeling guilty. And then I remember that I am pregnant and I laugh at myself because my hormones are raging and it’s perfectly alright to feel happy and sad at the same time.